Friday, February 09, 2007

You know you always hear people saying that those who appear strong are the ones who are weak(or something along that line). Still, I cannot agree more to the statement because I have come to a realisation that yes, it is true, especially so for my case. All this while, I succumbed to hiding myself behind hard, brick walls, thinking they would protect me from harm, that I would be safe and sound, guarded. I was wrong.

Today, the four walls crumbled as my girlfriends witnessed me tear and come out of the now seemingly soft protection that no longer shield me. I tried to put up my usual front but I know I failed miserably. I could not hide my fear and nervousness. However hard I attempted to stay strong, I broke down, still. Even though it was for a split second, at random moments, I failed to contain my disappointment.

Truth be told, I'm trying hard to hold back my tears as I rant. I'm clueless to why I'm feeling this way but today's mood, the emotional tension that lingers since results were released in school until right this moment, still hung on to me.

My mind is in a total mess and I cannot seem to straighten out my thinking. I don't think I'm making much sense here either but I need to let things out and be known. I'm crying uncontrollably and I feel extremely stupid. At the same time, I feel much happier. You might think I'm absurd but no, I really feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulder. The burden of having to drag myself to higher malay class twice a week, every Tuesday and Thursday, and pretend to like to interact with people I see less than three hours every week, is finally gone. I cannot feel much happier.

I'm stuck between disappointment and jubilation if you know what I mean. I didn't perform up to expectation but I'm being optimistic and seeing things from a different perspective. I shall not wallow in misery and break free from melancholy. I shall look at the bright side. Afterall, there is no point in crying over spilt milk, isn't it? Life has to move on. I have to move on.

Thanks Nasir. You know, I know. And HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY! Pardon me for not remembering.

Time to have my beauty bath and maybe snuggle up in bed, and watch Prison Break and forget things. It has been a really eventful day. Emotional, for that matter. And no, it's not emo because emo and emotional is two different things.

Goodnight cheeses.

11:43 PM