Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I have trouble blogging a proper post, I swear, I'm so mad at myself because it's ridiculous. I always have the urge to type something but I'll either end up blanking out or backspacing whatever I've typed halfway. It's really frustrating to have a lot of things to say yet at the same time have trouble penning them down. Wtf, yes.

I just remembered I'm supposed to miss someone but nah, I feel nothing. It's been four days or so since he left but I seem to not even care. It's just nothing. This makes me feel really bad because I know he misses me. It seems weird but I just don't have that same concern towards him. It's different. Like I've said, I won't and I don't turn back because I know it won't be the same anymore for me, and I fear history might repeat itself. It wasn't easy to let go. So I don't wanna bring the pain upon myself again. I may seem to not be bothered by my past, but that's the way I am. I don't show others my real feelings.

Even now I've been bottling up stuffs to myself. I try hard to avoid and ignore but it's not that easy. It's difficult to pour things out and share them even with them close and loved ones. Especially when it comes to a certain matter. Yes, that certain matter. (don't bother guessing)

Y'know it hurts to see others so happy, having a special someone to love them, and love them unconditionally. This jealousy gets the better of me at times, but I've learnt to take control. Afterall, I'm the one who doesn't want to get tied down with stuffs that are not important. I'm the one who enjoys freedom so much, spending good times away with different boys, rather than having to play a role as a girlfriend and stick with a pathetic idiot twentyfourseven. So why is it that sometimes I feel as though I don't mean a thing to anyone? Why is it that I feel sick/jealous when I see couples having a pleasant time together and all? Then why is it that at the same time, I shudder just at the thought of love? Does love even exist the way I imagine it to be? Or maybe it's just another word? Or another hopeless fantasy?

Ah wells, to this day, I still wish to be with that one person. Only I know that things won't work out between us. It's not him. Perhaps it's me.

Bytheway, I know it's unnecessary to say this twice but, HAPPY TWO-MONTHSARY JA & HAN!

Today is theirs. This Friday is Leya's and her boyfy. Mine will probably be in a thousand years.

I've not done my Amath. I better get them done. I failed coordinate geom, and I can't afford to fail this upcoming one on functions. I'll give up if I ever fail the next one, really.

I've not had dinner too. I better go grab a bite. I skipped lunch, and I can't possibly skip dinner. I'll die if I ever skip my meals, really.

Till then, so long. Goodnight cheeses.

9:54 PM